Happy Mortal

This life, well-lived.

Ticketed for Not Speaking English

Rare black Range Rover Vogue - powerful presence in Geneva's Old Town Section! A striking contrast to the historic architecture! 02/11/2009!

Here’s a “fun” little story from the New York Times: Dallas police officers have cited drivers for not being able to speak English 38 times in the past three years.  So here’s the thing, there is no law in Dallas requiring drivers to speak English.  The other thing is that 44% of the population is Hispanic.

This means that these six officers somehow got the genius idea to start using their power to penalize people for speaking a different language.  I haven’t been able to find any justification for this great plan, besides the fact that they thought it was a legitimate offense.  In fact, it is clear from the last person to be issued such a ticket, that she could (and did) communicate with the officer.  It was just done with bits and pieces of English.  So, he must have given her a ticket because she didn’t speak enough English.

I don’t really have that much to say about abuse of power, or racism, or IQ, or Texas.  But this story did give me some great ideas for some things that should warrant a traffic ticket.

  • Having a shiny bald head
  • Thinking too quickly while merging
  • Parallel parking too easily
  • Possession of concealed glutes
  • Possession of lawless abs
  • Absence of crouching tiger
  • Overabundance of hidden dragon
  • Unsupervised SWS (Sticky Wicket Syndrome)
  • Texting while asleep
  • Cruel intentions
  • Basic Instinct
  • Quoting Beowulf in a school zone
  • Judging people in a residential zone
  • Limerick in a construction zone
  • Car rear looks too much like a face
  • Drive by cruising
  • Cruise by rolling
  • Drag racing while not wearing drag
  • Not being able to speak Old Earth Elvish

    I invite you to add your own.


    1. Here are some:

      Smelling like fresh-baked bread,
      not having to sneeze,
      junkyard dogs,
      and living in Texas.

    2. Wow, Texas. This is beyond scandalous, or embarrassing, even atrocious. Maybe they should start ticketing folks for how many shades darker they are than the officer who gives them the ticket. You know, 6 shades equals 60 bones. Because white is the official skin color of America, no?

    3. I’m sure Obama would agree.

    4. How about tickets for:

      1. not offering the cop a donut
      2. not being able to outrun the overweight officer that pulled you over
      3. sporting a cop mustache yourself
      4. not asking the officer “do you know why you shouldn’t have pulled me over?”
      5. not putting the cop under citizen’s arrest for being a driving hazard. (We’ve all seen it. Every time a cop enters the flow of traffic things get messed up, people drive unnecessarily slow, cut you off to get back into the “slow” {read: I’m not doing anything illegal} lane.)

    5. Love #5. Yes.

    6. 1. failing to fail
      2. possession of fries and no soda
      3. possession of soda without ice
      4. possession of soda-colored slip-ons
      5. thumbs ups
      6. head check while singing “When A Man Loves A Woman”
      7. thinking about what’s in the crock pot
      8. stuff in the back seat
      9. not bringing extra crack for the cop
      10. peeing in a bottle, you pumpkin-pie-haircutted freak
      11. enjoying the drive too much
      12. enjoying the sunshine
      13. enjoying being a law-abiding citizen