Happy Mortal

This life, well-lived.

Corn Flakes: An Allegory

Cereal Killer Last Sunday I made the mistake of eating a bowl of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. It was in the cupboard and I was hungry and there was a baby and a football game…you get the picture.

After scarfing a bowl of Corn Flakes there are two states of being that can arise: regret and curiosity. Both hit me like a speedball of high fructose corn syrup straight to the pancreas.

As my stomach churned through what it thought was food, I couldn’t help but wonder about the larger socio-political ramifications of Corn Flakes. After all, what I had just eaten was satisfying/unsatisfying in some sort of undefinable way. I was fuller than I had been, but also more hungry.

Just as the regret was wearing thin, the curiosity swung into full effect. What was it that I’d just eaten? I left the baby in the magic vibrating chair, and stumbled to the kitchen in a mixed state of rapture and disgust over what I’d just incorporated into my body.

But curiosity just bred more regret. Corn meal. High Fructose Corn Syrup. I ignored the rest and scanned further up the side of the box to the list of fortifications. A vast field of vitamins and minerals were arrayed before me. All of this in just one bowl of Corn Flakes? I was overwhelmed.

Then the thought came: “I”ll never need to eat anything but Corn Flakes ever again.”

My head swam as my heart sank. No longer will I have to go to the trouble of shopping for ingredients for balanced meals. No more of the hassle of fresh fruits and vegetables that go bad in like an hour. A box of Corn Flakes has a half-life of at least 2 years, right? No more cooking. No more group meals, which means never having to waste time talking with people while I eat.  Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, each in three minutes flat. I would never have to worry about wasting time enjoying a meal ever again.

Who knew the possibilities that a simple box of Corn Flakes could open up? Who knew that post-industrial food engineers could so completely satisfy the maintenance needs of this flesh machine? Who knew that Corn Flakes would give me the life that I never thought I could have?

I’m no longer Rekonstruct. Now I’m fortified with essential vitamins and minerals. Now I’m saving time as I save money.

Who knew it was so easy to live the dream? Who knew it came prepackaged? With coupons?!? Fortified and preserved and ready to save me from the inefficiencies of food. Thank you Corn Flakes. Thank you.


  1. Wait till you read the ingredient list from whatever form of liquid you pour on your corn flakes. With so much good stuff, you are bound to become post-human.

  2. Regardless, I can live like one now.

  3. You are what you eat flaky