Happy Mortal

This life, well-lived.

Top Three Ways To Be Unsanitary And Environmental

Toilets As I wandered into the public bathroom at my favorite coffee shop in Seattle, which will remain nameless for the sake of this piece, I realized that my slacken laziness may actually be helping the environment. Please forgive this unsightly moment of candor as it is for a good cause. So, with no further ado, the top five ways to be unsanitary and still help the environment.

1. Don’t flush the toilet.

Think about it. All you did was pee in the toilet. You added what? A few ounces of liquid to half a gallon of water. Sure, it might offend the next person who has been waiting in line, they might think that you’re inconsiderate, or a slob. But you just potentially saved 1.6 gallons of water. You have the moral high ground. If they only have to pee, they can add their few ounces and presto, you just paid it forward and all you had to do was not flush. Now, if they have to drop a deuce, pinch a loaf, or for some reason sit to pee, it is within their power to flush before they sit. All you have done by not flushing is give them the option to save mother nature. Nicely done!

2. Don’t wash your hands.

This dovetails nicely with not flushing. If you didn’t touch the handle on the toilet, the only things you’re likely to have touched in the bathroom (if you’re a man) are your penis and the door handle. Between you and me, the penis is likely the cleaner of the two. So, don’t waste more water just to be socially acceptable. Also, by not washing you have avoided adding to the avalanche of soap chemicals that go down the drain every day. Again, nicely done!

3. Wipe your nose with the back of your hand.

First, tissues rub your nose raw. Second, mother nature provided you with soft skin and flexible fingers to take care of your grooming needs. Not only that, if you wipe away so much that you can’t ignore it, you can flick it, stick it, or do the double wipe. The double wipe, of course, is the wipe onto the pant leg, then the wipe off the pant leg. A tissue saved is a tree saved. You, my friend are almost an environmental hero.

Feel free to add your own unsanitary and environmental practices.

Mother nature will thank you.


  1. Hooray!

    No more plastic/nylon lawn chairs. Sit on the ground. Meet a bug. Feel the earth beneath your bum.

  2. Excellent post. I myself have long congratulated me for the aforementioned practices. If the world goes down the toilette, it won’t be because I flushed!

    Here is another way to be an enviro-knight: the spray-bottle bidet. It’s portable, it’s refillable, and it’s refreshing.

  3. I am going to get you a jug of hand sanitizer for Christmas.

  4. I have practiced all of the above.
    I would also like to add this to the list:

    Never turn on the light while using your home restroom.

    It will save a ton of electricity.

  5. Bathing wastes a lot of water, plus electricity to heat it.

  6. My only problem with bathroom darkness is that it prohibits reading. But if you have windows you could use daylight when possible.

  7. Interesting post. I’d like to mention first that I am a month-long reader, yet this is my first of many subsequent posts. I have recently made some lifestyle…well…hygienic changes that have resulted in an influx of personal green points for me, left me a bit stinkier, and my girlfriend a little more reluctant to snuggle up. I was a daily and sometimes bi-daily hair washer prior to a month ago. Recently, I’ve decided to shower less, and wash my hair even less than that.


    1) Natural oils making me feel more human. I mean, isn’t it strange that we walk around all day with our hair smelling like fruit or perhaps a shea butter aroma? I am a human, I wanna smell like one!

    2) Less soap down the drain (thanks Rekonstruct for this affirmation)

    3) Less money spent on smelling like Suave “Kiwi Cucumber”

    4) Energy bill on a downward spiral


    1) Moderately stinky