Happy Mortal

We have a problem.

Yes, our economy is totally fucked up, but I’m talking about a bigger problem here. The American propensity for totally freaking the hell out. For contracting the WAG-d virus. (We’re All Gonna DIE!)

Let’s take a deep breath and a trip down memory lane to look at all the things that were supposed to kill us yesterday.

(Two notes. One, I am fully aware that some of these things represent HUGE problems. My point is that we make these problems worse by freaking out. And some of them only seem like real problems because we hear about them so much. Two, all stats are from Gallup.com.)

1. The Economy – Current Great American Freak-Out. We had this coming people. Let’s tighten up and take our medicine. Yes, this is a big deal, but we will probably survive this big deal. (By the way, since 1984 every major spike in overall concern about the economy has happened in the months leading up to a presidential election. Just in case you were wondering.)

2. Gas Prices – Remember way back in July when gas prices nation wide were up over $4.10 a gallon? And the news was talking about 6-8-10 $/gal? Now that they’ve fallen back down to $3.22 (as of this morning) this one doesn’t get the same play at the water cooler.

3. Illegal Immigration / Globalization – “The Mexicans are stealing my job,” or “my job got exported to India.” Huge deal in my part of the world, oh, last summer.

4. Colony Collapse Disorder – In late 2006, honeybees started dying off, entire colonies disappearing. Listening to the news would have led you to believe that we would all be cropless and starving by the fall of ‘07, but summer of ’08 has come and gone and I’m still eating apples.

5. Bird Flu – Remember Bird Flu? Half of you should. In November of 2005, fifty percent (50%!!!!) of Americans were at least ‘somewhat worried’ about contracting Bird Flu.

6. S.A.R.S. – In April of 2003, 37% of us were stocking up on surgical masks, worried about a mysterious disease coming out of Asia.

7. Anthrax – In late October of 2001, 38% of Americans were worried that they or someone they knew would be exposed to Anthrax. Nearly 50% believed the Anthrax mailing incidents going on at the time were the beginning of a sustained terror campaign.

8. Terrorism – In early October of 2001, 59% of Americans were worried that someone in their family would become a victim of terrorism. Today that percentage sits at 38%. Throughout the history of Gallup asking this question, less than 0.5% of people have (voluntarily) admitted to actually knowing a victim of terrorism.

9. School Shootings – Remember Columbine? Immediately after the Columbine shootings, in April of 1999, 55% of people polled were concerned for their child’s safety at school. Today it’s 24%, the same as it was in 1977.

10. Killer Bees – In the 1990’s the Africanized Honeybee was supposed to swarm us all and leave us dying itchy and swollen. There have been fourteen deaths recorded in the U.S. since they first invaded our borders.

This is turning into a long post, so let’s launch into hyper-speed. Here’s a quick list of Great American Freak-Outs, very roughly in reverse chronological order, off the top of my head.

We ended with Killer Bees, so that means… west nile virus (we love our diseases), polygamists, Gay people, killer asteroids, acid rain, the Big One ripping off the whole West Coast, dumb people, the war on drugs, AIDS, communists, cults, satanic influences of Rock ‘n Roll, free love, Vietnam, inner-city riots, Black people, pissing off the aliens (or God) by invading the moon, political assassinations, nuclear holocaust, Russian people, actually being invaded by aliens, Jewish people, FDR becoming king, Japanese people, the whole entire world being at war all at once, German people, the American heartland turning into a dusty desert, and finally, oh yeah, the Economy, all over again.

Hey, I did the whole post without mentioning China, Iran or the environment! (I didn’t want to stress anyone out.)

-transom